Secondly, I didn’t really watch the movie fairly; see on the
way to the theatre I was considering what I didn’t like about the previous encounters
with the Twilight Sage. I haven’t read
any of the books, but I did listen to an audio book and my perspective from
that was that Bella was really annoying and that’s pretty much it. I considered this to be the reason why some
would enjoy the books; to me Bella’s character is so void of anything personal
or real that one can easily replace her with yourself or your own
character. Edward has this in common as
well, he’s so simple. Basically, they’re
both just in love to the point of being annoying and have no other significant
qualities making them a clean slate personality-wise. A good example of where this works (I feel
like I’m blaspheming to compare the two) are Chrono from Chrono Trigger or Link
from the Zelda games. They have no
dialogue so we fill the personality with our own equivalent, to the point where
we hate it when others come along and give them a personality “excuuuuuuse me
Princess.” We can fantasize about these
characters or put ourselves in their roles so easily, I had the opposite
situation with Shepherd from Mass Effect, his character and Dialogue are so
well developed that when the character creation screen comes up I just go with
the default as that’s what Shepherd looks like and any alterations of his stock
appearance just seem to make him foreign.
Hello, not-Shepard
Anyways, I said that I cheated or didn’t “watch the movie
fairly” and here’s why. When the movie
started up, I was listening to my iPod to kill the boredom of waiting for the
movie to start; I was going to shut it off but found that it was just
commercials (car and soda) so I put the ear-buds back in my ears and waited for
them to be over… When they ended I was
going to wrap up my headphones and put the music away but the first ad was for “New
Year’s Eve” and I’d seen it over a dozen times thanks to TV commercials. I kept the headphones in and it was at this
moment that I began to think to myself, what was terrible about these Twilight
movies? Why, Bella and Edward of course…
not just the dialogue but the way they delivered the dialogue; don’t get me
wrong, all of their lines are dripping with a general hatred of all things
poetic, but it’s their delivery of these terrible lines that amplifies what
could potentially be a bearable exercise.
I didn’t continue to listen to the music throughout all the previews,
some of them were decent enough to grab my attention but most of them saw to my
decreasing attention and the music came back on. When the movie started playing though, I
stopped the music.
Jacob’s not a very interesting character but I feel for him,
he’s a bit of a masochist; he’s in love with a girl who likes to chase him down
and kiss him whenever he decides to get over her; definitely not one of those
morally straight edged types, this Bella.
Anyways, his first scene had me laughing out loud. He receives the wedding invite and immediately
takes off his shirt and runs into the woods, “they really didn’t waste time” is
what I immediately thought, in retrospect I think they were probably just trying
to get this one shirtless scene out of the way.
For the most part the shirt-less scenes were either few or my eyes were
pulling a “see no evil” and saving my soul.
No music needed so far.
Bella: So, when can I become a Vampire again?
Edward: After the wedding and at least two sex-montages.
A few second later, we see Bella getting ready for her wedding
ceremony; I swear she uttered 3 words before I hit the play button and something
strange began to occur. The movie was surprisingly
fine, I didn’t know the story but I gathered (correctly when I checked cliff
notes online later) what was going on.
She had an intense nightmare where Edward looks really stoned on a pile
of bodies and she wakes up and gets over it.
“Mustache Dad” as Spoony rightly refers to him is a definite “music-pauser”
and the female vampires are interesting to look at and most of what was going
on made sense without dialogue. Here’s
one thing I missed though, the conversation where Jacob’s upset that they’re
going to consummate the marriage with her as a human. Now, I formed this opinion through Spoony’s
review but before that I had no problem with the idea that she was still human
during these scense. Up until this
point, Edward had been incredibly gentle with her and her bruises were fine in
my eyes as she never winced from him touching them. On a completely different point, after
listening to Spoony’s drunken ranting, I realized that there was no reason to wait;
she said something to the effect of wanting to enjoy her honeymoon. Um, I thought that the reason she married him
was to become a Vampire with him, that’s it, not because she was all about the
sanctity of marriage with regard to sex… it was Edward’s requirement to make
her a Vampire, something she wanted.
My main gripe with this is that Bella’s want to become Vampire was changed for the sake of plot convenience and it really sticks out here. She wanted marriage in order to become a Vampire, and on a secluded island it would’ve been the best place to do it, not in Forks where her Dad can physically see the changes occur, forget explaining the eye-colour?
My main gripe with this is that Bella’s want to become Vampire was changed for the sake of plot convenience and it really sticks out here. She wanted marriage in order to become a Vampire, and on a secluded island it would’ve been the best place to do it, not in Forks where her Dad can physically see the changes occur, forget explaining the eye-colour?
All of the above aside, I pretty much listened to music for
the entire wedding/honeymoon and it made for some interesting musical
montages. I also think it’s funny
because montages are generally to speed up or pass over scenes that would be
otherwise too long or not interesting in real time. The montages included (trying from memory):
·
Wedding speeches
·
Trip to Rio (there’s a mini-dancing montage in
here as well)
·
Bella getting hanky-panky ready
·
Hanky-Panky all over the island
·
Bella seducing Edward into give him more
hanky-panky despite previous bruises (all over the island)
Then Bella gets preggers, it’s totz interesting so I pause
mah music. Bella is wondering if it’s possible, to this question I have
another question… how is it possible? Does that mean that a human egg works with a
vampire sperm? Could a human sperm work
with a vampire egg? It’s not something I’ve
ever heard of, but what this does bring to mind is Alucard, the son of Dracula,
and Vampire Hunter D. Both of these
characters are sweet and I’m not entirely sure but are probably the result of a
similar situation. Edward does an internet
search, so how are these scenarios not part of the results of Edward’s search? In fact, when I type in half breed vampire,
my first result is a Wikipedia on Vampire Hunter D, awesome. The point is that none of
them know what this will result in, or how Bella becoming a vampire will affect
the baby, they have no idea but they claim it will kill the baby… maybe
maternal instincts again? I’m not
fighting this part, I have no qualms about Bella saying she wants to keep the
baby and cheers to her having Rosalie protect her. I’m neither for nor against abortion but pregger
women are not on the same wavelength as men or non-pregger women in any respect
so that’s as far as I’ll go on the subject, I just assumed that she’d keep it
the second it came up but that could just be predictable story-writing. Anyways, all of the Vampire lore about
sunlight, garlic, and crosses are apparently bullshit so why would Edward start
believing vampire lore on half-breed babies as it’s been so inaccurate on so
much else?
One scene I really enjoyed, and this was probably because I had hit play again, was the scene where Jacob runs through the forest in wolf form, pissed off all to hell about Bella’s pregger-state, and comes across his were-wolf brothers. They have an odd dialogue that reminds me of Princess Mononoke and it turns into a power struggle, this power-struggle was, in my opinion, the single greatest scene in the movie. The look in the wolf’s eyes, the hesitation, seeing Jacob about to submit to the big black wolf, it was fucking brilliant, my heart was in my throat for that brief second and I have to give kudos to the CG animators for putting my heart there because there was more emotion in that scene than in all of Bella and Edward’s scenes combined. The wolves weren’t perfect and that’s alright, hair is nearly impossible to make look real (FFXIII, with their amazing CG abilities, generally gave the characters hair with a sort of rigidity to combat this) and flowing fur on running wolves must be hella tough. The polar opposite of this scene was one that came later when they were all talking to the chief in the wheelchair, after a brief dialogue they all start jogging into the woods, I laughed out loud at this scene. Usually they transform on the way but this time they took it real slow and all the way into the woods, I even paused my music to listen for a transformation sound and it was hard to hear or I might’ve just imagined it… it was weak, it seemed like they’d obviously cut a corner, or they were sick or animating it and just said, “screw it, everyone knows they can transform” and just had em run into the forest like there was no rush. The thing was, there was a rush, they were supposed to be in a hurry. The scene was jarring and seemed lazy.
Don't you forget about me, I've got a sword!
One scene I really enjoyed, and this was probably because I had hit play again, was the scene where Jacob runs through the forest in wolf form, pissed off all to hell about Bella’s pregger-state, and comes across his were-wolf brothers. They have an odd dialogue that reminds me of Princess Mononoke and it turns into a power struggle, this power-struggle was, in my opinion, the single greatest scene in the movie. The look in the wolf’s eyes, the hesitation, seeing Jacob about to submit to the big black wolf, it was fucking brilliant, my heart was in my throat for that brief second and I have to give kudos to the CG animators for putting my heart there because there was more emotion in that scene than in all of Bella and Edward’s scenes combined. The wolves weren’t perfect and that’s alright, hair is nearly impossible to make look real (FFXIII, with their amazing CG abilities, generally gave the characters hair with a sort of rigidity to combat this) and flowing fur on running wolves must be hella tough. The polar opposite of this scene was one that came later when they were all talking to the chief in the wheelchair, after a brief dialogue they all start jogging into the woods, I laughed out loud at this scene. Usually they transform on the way but this time they took it real slow and all the way into the woods, I even paused my music to listen for a transformation sound and it was hard to hear or I might’ve just imagined it… it was weak, it seemed like they’d obviously cut a corner, or they were sick or animating it and just said, “screw it, everyone knows they can transform” and just had em run into the forest like there was no rush. The thing was, there was a rush, they were supposed to be in a hurry. The scene was jarring and seemed lazy.
That's just how we talk, ok?
There was a wolf/vampire battle again, because there needs
to be one in every movie. It went on and
on and besides the occasional millisecond of clarity it was too blurry to
follow and left me annoyed. For movies
with so many battles they should really work out how to convey a battle, blurry
cam doesn’t work and leaves audiences frustrated, audiences that actually like
action anyways… I feel like I might’ve been in the minority in this case
though. Bella has labor issues and here’s
a scene that I think Spoony’s opinion was dead on with, the Bella cam didn’t
really work. I didn’t know there was a
Vampire-styled-C-section in this so when it occurred I had no idea what the
heck was going on, especially since Edward just started ripping her apart
anyways. If this was done with some
cinematography it would’ve developed into something better, a scene for us to
imagine. The shadow on the window pane
from the side, or a fully gory scene with him ripping her open would’ve been
crazy as well. It’s not teribbly
important, but what comes next is a bit mind boggling. Edward stands there with the baby for what
must have been a full minute admiring it.
There was this whole plan that was set up to save Bella’s life and it
was pretty much dependent on a bit of a one-two-punch sort of thing. Cut open Bella, remove Baby, and inject Bella
with venom while her heart is still pumping, perfect. I feel like Edward would’ve been on top of
this, especially with his speed but it’s another scene that was done for effect
and alters the character’s imperative for something else, drama.
The drama is, of course, poorly executed because it does the CSI/House MD/Medical Vision where it shows her veins coursing with the venom. As soon as I saw that I’m like, oh… she’s fine… but the rest of the characters don’t know this. Here’s a prime example of what’s wrong with their delivery of drama, when you want something to be dramatic you put the support cast in a worrisome position but you don’t inform the audience because it removes the drama… unless one of them is going to kill themselves or kill the other character… which almost happens to Edward but Jacob immediately says, “I won’t kill you” and walks away… ok, over-doing it with the ellipses, but do you see where I’m going here? There was a perfect scene here for some tension but the movie killed the two contributing factors,
1.
Edward will allow Jacob to kill him if Bella
dies, and
2.
Bella might actually die here.
It actually looked like Bella could die in this scene, it
was portrayed as such and she looked so ill and had just experienced having a
blood-sucking baby ripped out of her, it was fairly believable. I began to imagine Edward raising the baby by
himself, a broken man who had lost Bella but still had this oddly-named child
to take care of. Not two second later,
we see the venom going through her veins, potentially healing her… not entirely
sure about it but it was doing something to her and very much ruined the
tension. Ok, so one of the tension
devises is gone but we’re still following a sort of Romeo and Juliet style of
story here, Edward and Jacob think Bella’s dead. This would make for a great scene where Jacob
has an intense and final confrontation with Edward without Bella to step it, as
she has for every scene prior to this one.
Unfortunately, the scene becomes completely safe when Jacob says he won’t
kill Edward. We have nothing to worry
about, Bella’s got the venom moving through her, Jacob won’t kill Edward, and
all the audience needs to do is sit there and wait for the air to clear, not much
griping us here, is there? But what
about the baby!?
Finally, the threat against the baby is removed when Jacob
sees the baby and instantly imprints on her. I find this scene a bit disturbing but also
alleviating. I was wondering how in the
world Meyers would clear up the love triangle in a way that didn’t involve
bloody or broken hearts and this wasn’t one that I expected, nor would anyone
with a non-pedophilic mind-set. It was a
strange situation all around but making the son of the Chief of the Were-wolves
imprint on the Daughter of the Vampires is quite the resolution to the war
between them.
Aw, he has his Father's eyes and teeth! Not sure where he learned to smile though
The movie ends on a cliff-hanger but it really felt like
things were pretty much wrapped up… it would’ve taken two minutes of scenes to
just have Bella show up fine and a bit of details worked out. Going into part 2 a bit, everyone’s worried
about this baby, as if it’s going to be some ultra-vampire. I don’t see how this adds up. Generally, you take two parents, X from the
Dad and Y from the Mom and you get a combination that makes up part of each. The baby isn’t the equivalent strength of both
parents combined; it’s some part of each of them without being greater or
lesser (depending on the circumstances and the diversity of the genetic
backgrounds). It seems like common sense
that the baby of a vampire and a human would be the equivalent of something
between, maybe a bit of blood-lust and fairly strong, doesn’t sparkle as much,
can eat human food for regular health maintenance etc. Everyone’s first conclusion is, “KILL IT
BECAUSE IT’S DIFFERENT!” and that’s just silly.
Come on, people.
Truth be told, I’m not worried about these books/stories
anymore. I remember Dobby and Dumbledore
dying in Harry Potter as well as a few other unfortunately deaths; these deaths
impacted the story in a memorable way, making it hard to forget, the ending death
total a variable. Wash’s death in
Serenity set the tone for the rest of the movie, suddenly a beloved part of the
main cast perished suddenly and we were left wondering, who else could die? Trinity’s death in the third Matrix, we were
left thinking to ourselves, “Neo’s not coming back, is he?” These stories may be flawed, but the stories
are unforgettable because of the characters sacrificed. Who dies in the Twilight Saga? I’m not sure I believe anyone important will,
they’ll all live to have their fairly-tale ending and fade into obscurity, thank
the Gods.
I think I finally understand why these books/movies are so
popular. No real man can compete with Edward;
he’s stronger, faster, has a beautiful car and drives it dangerously. He’s Bella’s savior and he’s incredibly in
love with her, he’s courteous and a gentleman.
His flaws aren’t his fault, he can’t help being a vampire so we don’t
care that he’s dangerous. I believe men
are less inclined to like the story because Bella (what should be men’s focus)
is not the same way, she’s head-strong but weak, she’s annoying and needy,
fragile and dependent. She’s so dependent
on her man in such situations that male readers know they couldn’t help her if
they wanted to, she’s also got this very strong, handsome, and rich boyfriend
who she’s enamored with but also has no qualms about flirting with other men,
making her hard to trust. In summation,
Edward is the perfect male role for female audiences while Bella is just the
opposite for male audiences… we can’t enjoy it because it’s not written for us. Now, before you accuse me of being sexist or
anti-feminist you should consider what female roles I do find attractive.
·
Kagero from Ninja Scroll: female ninja, strong
and independent, beautiful and doesn’t need men (weird when I think about it
like that)
·
Princess Mononoke from Princess Mononoke, same
reason as above
·
Actually, most Miyazaki characters have strong,
beautiful, and kind women as characters that aren’t concerned with prince
charming in the least, they may be more traditional in that they can take
charge of a kitchen in some stories but that’s another form of strength
·
I liked Samus before they developed her
character
·
Deedlit from Record of Lodoss, she’s strong in
her own right but in love with a single human man, as feeble as he may be in
regards to aging
Dialogue was never my strong suit either, Samus
Who knows, maybe I’ll like Vampire Bella more now that she
can fight for herself and Jacob’s out of the picture to remove those other
frustrating, love triangulation (that's triangle and strangulation combined) tendencies.
